Follow our advice and you’ll be laughing (as will the bridesmaids on the day).
And if you want to see how a few verses will look once written down, here’s a sample – a verse for your former flatmate, who you suffered through for years.
ODE TO A MATE
I’m so happy you two finally met,
Because living with Gary’s like having a pet.
Cleaning after him, changing the bedding.
But now that’s your problem after the wedding.
Like all other pets, he needs constant attention.
On nights out we’ve lost him too much to mention.
But he’s usually found in his favourite place,
On his own on the dancefloor – well off his face.
Now Gary is not what you call house-trained,
Eats all your food, the beer supply drained.
A terrible housemate, clearly not a great catch
But he lied his ass off when he signed up to Match
Yes, I read his profile, it was quite an insight,
An intellectual, a feminist, a foot taller in height
This was not my Gary, this was not who I knew,
A sophisticated gent? He leaves skid marks down the loo.
But then she responded, an unsuspecting chick,
Despite reading his profile, didn’t notice he’s a …. (daring kind of guy)
Of course, Gary got excited and she agreed to a date
Put on his best boxers, decided it was fate
And all of a sudden Gary started to behave,
When he met said young lady on a night out in Grays.
His grooming improved, you could tell he was smitten.
He even cleaned after himself in the kitchen.
Now you’re both married and it’s heaven-sent.
Because Gary’s moved out and I’ve put up the rent.
You’re not just Gary’s master, you’re his perfect wife.
But remember, a Gary’s not just for Christmas, a Gary’s for life.
… Of course, this isn’t applicable to everyone. Skidmark references are not always advisable. Some people’s friends aren’t even called Gary.
But whoever you’re toasting, poems are the perfect way to put in that extra bit of effort for a speech that will always please the crowds.