How To Write A Best Man Speech:
Your Ultimate Speech Advice
Best man speeches are a minefield – one dodgy joke and you’re toast. But with the right advice, you’ll dodge the clichés and awkward silences.
At Speechy, we’re ex-TV scriptwriters who know how to write modern, funny speeches that actually sound like you – no cheese, no cringe.
Our best man speech advice has featured everywhere from The New York Times to The Times. As the only wedding speech experts invited on to BBC Sounds ‘Best Men podcast with Jason Manford for a reason – we know how to help you smash it.
Best man etiquette used to be about stiff suits, awkward thank-yous, and recycled jokes about the groom’s lack of hair. These days, it’s much simpler: don’t be that guy.
Skip the formalities. You don’t need to greet people like you’re launching a Royal Variety Performance. Say hi, smile, get stuck in.
And ignore any advice that tells you to thank the caterers, the florist, or the DJ. You’re not a wedding planner. Focus on the couple, not the canapés.
Old-school rulebooks will tell you to thank people on behalf of the bridesmaids. Don’t. They can speak for themselves – often louder and funnier than you can.
“Etiquette should help your speech land – not put it in a headlock.” – The Modern Couple’s Guide to Wedding Speeches
1. How To Start Your Best Man Speech
Forget the dry intros: “Good evening everyone, I’m honoured to be the best man…” Yawn. You’re not a town crier.
Start with a bang. Cut the waffle and dive into something fun, personal, or unexpected. Here are a few punchy alternatives:
Jump right in: “So they’ve finally done it. Sophie’s agreed to put up with Rohan for life – and he’s got it in writing.”
Get interactive: “Hands up if you’ve ever had to babysit Stephen after three pints?”
Make it snappy: “Let’s address the elephant in the room – how has the gorgeous, talented Mario married a bloke from Croydon who still can’t spell?”
Tell a story: “When I first met Tom, he was in a bar reading a John Grisham novel on a Saturday night. Naturally, I knew he was either a genius or deeply confused.”
The trick? Sound like you – just a sharper, funnier, better-prepared version.
2. Pay A Genuine Tribute To The Groom
We know – roasting the groom is half the fun. But while it’s tempting to go full stand-up, you’ve also got to show the love.
At a typical (straight) wedding, the groom usually misses out on any proper tribute. No one’s there to say he looks dashing, that he’s a solid son, or that he’s about to be a cracking husband.
That’s your job. So yes, be funny – but be heartfelt too. Ideally, you’ll make people laugh and make the groom tear up a bit. Bonus points if he blinks rapidly and pretends it’s hay fever.
3. And a Decent Tribute To His Partner Too
The best man has to compliment the groom’s partner – and no, a generic “she’s lovely” doesn’t cut it.
If you don’t know them well, do some digging. Ask around. You need more than “they’ve made him a better man” (yawn). Have they finally taught him how to reply to texts? Upgraded his cooking from ‘egg-based’ to ‘edible’? That’s the gold you’re after.
Skip the vague adjectives – “kind,” “funny,” “cool” – and get specific. Can they reverse a trailer better than the groom? Do they make a mean risotto? Did they somehow convince him to start eating quinoa and exfoliating?
Be personal, be original – and yes, one cliché is allowed: the bride looked beautiful. Because she did. Always does.
4. Best Man Toast and Closing Line
Some best men feel the urge to toast the bridesmaids. You can – but technically, that’s the couple’s job. If you do it, keep it snappy. No need to launch into an Oscars-style tribute.
We generally say: one toast, and make it count. Save it for the end, and make it yours.
Tradition (hello, Debrett’s) suggests toasting “Mr and Mrs/Mr & Mr [Surname]” and announcing the cake-cutting. But at Speechy, we prefer to wrap things up with something more memorable – something that ties back to a theme or in-joke from your speech.
Think less formal send-off, more mic drop.
Toasts We Love:
“To the groom – my partner in crime and the guy who finally settled down. May your marriage be as wild as our bachelor days – just with fewer police reports. Cheers!”
“Here’s to the man of the hour – and the reason I’m wearing a tie. May your marriage be as strong as your WiFi and as reliable as your fantasy football stats.”
“As best man, it’s my job to embarrass the groom. So here’s to the guy who thought ‘Netflix and chill’ meant actually watching Netflix. May your marriage involve better communication than that.”
“To the newlyweds: may your life be as smooth as your pick-up lines and as unforgettable as our infamous trip to Munich. Here’s to love, laughter, and very selective memory.”
Need help nailing your own mic-drop moment? SpeechyAI’s got you covered with custom-crafted toasts that’ll make your finale unforgettable (in a good way).
5. Best Man Speech Length
Depends on the wedding – and how unhinged the wedding planner is.
Some guides suggest three minutes. Nope. Too short. That’s barely enough time to say your name, insult the groom, and get to the punchline.
We say five minutes minimum, but ideally you’re aiming for eight to ten minutes (UK-style). That gives you enough time for proper laughs, a bit of heart, and maybe even a standing ovation. Word count-wise, that’s roughly 1,300 words max – unless you talk at warp speed.
“A speech shouldn’t take longer than it does to consummate a marriage.” (So, let’s say… under ten minutes.)
Even if you’ve got gold material, be brutal with your editing. Write your first draft, then slash it in half. We promise it’ll be twice as good.
Hemingway wasn’t wrong:
“The first draft of anything is shit.” Reassuring, really.
Punchy always wins. Especially with jokes. Think sharp, not rambly.
6. Keep The Language Clean(ish)
Obviously don’t swear if there are children present, though a few bloodies, bloomings and bollocks can add an acceptable edge.
Check with the nearlyweds in advance and read the room on the day.
We have scripted the odd F-bomb into a speech over the years but that’s been the exception and at exclusively adult-only weddings.
7. Questions To Ask The Groom
If in doubt, check in with the couple – they’re technically in charge (even if the bride’s already outsourced decision-making to Pinterest).
Here’s what you need to know:
INTRO – Will someone introduce you, or are you expected to launch straight into greatness?
SPEECH TIMING – When are you speaking? (Translation: when should you stop drinking?)
DURATION – How long do they want you to speak for? (Some say 3–5 minutes. Negotiate. Aim for 8–10 unless they’ve specifically banned long speeches.)
TECH SETUP – Will there be a mic? Can you test it earlier? Figure out how close to hold it – too far and no one hears you, too close and you sound like Darth Vader.
THE CROWD – Any kids or easily scandalised grannies in the audience? Adjust your F-bombs accordingly.
Basically, know your setup before you step up. It’ll make everything smoother – and reduce the odds of being remembered for the wrong reasons.
How To Make Your Best Man Speech Funny
So we all know this is how you’ll be judged. Here are the basic rules.
Being funny isn’t about raiding the internet for recycled one-liners. Please resist the urge to Google “best man wedding jokes” – anything starting with “even the cake was in tiers” or ending with “Bangor” is likely to make your guests wince, not laugh.
We’ve heard too many speeches fall flat because they relied on tired gags that could have been cut and pasted from a 90s email forward. Instead of reaching for generic humour, mine the real-life comedy gold in your friendship with the groom.
Example: Instead of “marriage is a workshop – where the husband works and the wife shops,” try:
“The man owns a spice rack alphabetised by heat level – of course he’s ready for marriage.”
OR
“You could tell Dan was commitment material the moment he stopped ghosting group chats.”
Make it personal. Make it original. That’s where the real laughs are.
Self-deprecation is your safest and smartest comedic weapon. It shows humility, puts the audience at ease, and most importantly – it’s risk-free. You know your own limits, and no one can take offence when you’re poking fun at yourself.
Studies even show people who use self-deprecating humour are perceived as more emotionally intelligent… and more physically attractive. Yes, really. So if you want the guests to like you and maybe look twice at you during the buffet, start here.
Examples that work:
“Being chosen as best man was a surprise – almost as surprising as me surviving a month of dry January.”
“I assumed Jack chose me because I’d reflect well on him. Specifically, off my shiny head.”
“Being best man is like being the emergency contact on a gym form – no one knows why you’re there, but you’ve agreed to help in a crisis.”
Keep it short, sharp, and relevant to the speech. A few self-deprecating lines show confidence – just don’t turn the whole thing into a stand-up special about your shortcomings.
The best humour often comes from recognisable truth – the kind of details that make the groom’s friends nod and laugh in painful agreement.
Ask yourself: what makes this guy unique? What do people always tease him about? What’s that one trait everyone in the room knows and loves (or tolerates)?
Examples of golden material:
His wardrobe of 37 identical navy jumpers
His encyclopedic knowledge of minor league football
His fear of anything above a 2/10 spice level
The fact he still uses a paper diary and calls it “retro”
Find the quirks that feel so him, and the laughs will follow. And remember: truth isn’t mean – it’s relatable. That’s what makes it work.
Think of the groom as the lead character in his own sitcom. What’s his role? That lens helps build a fun narrative that the whole room can get behind.
Is he the fitness fanatic who meal-preps but still can’t lift a suitcase? The DIY enthusiast who has six power drills and one unfinished shelf? The laid-back mate who’s always late but somehow always forgiven?
Once you know the type, you can layer in stories that reinforce the image and give your speech a fun arc.
Example:
“Ben’s always been a problem-solver. Except when the problem involves assembling furniture, following a recipe, or booking anything more than two days in advance.”
Creating a character adds shape to your speech – and makes it way more entertaining than a list of random memories.
You don’t need props, slides, or sound effects to be funny. In fact, the more bells and whistles you add, the more chances there are for something to go wrong.
We’ve seen brilliant speeches fall apart when someone forgot how to work the clicker or the video file didn’t load. Tech should support your speech, not hijack it.
Good writing always wins.
Keep your jokes punchy, your stories focused, and your speech tight. As Jason & Steve from the Best Men podcast say:
“When you’re starting out in stand-up, you get five minutes. When you’re great, you get seven.” One killer joke lands harder than ten average ones.
This is a classic comedy technique and it works a treat in wedding speeches.
A callback is when you mention something early on in your speech and refer back to it later. It makes your speech feel clever and polished. It gives the audience that satisfying “Ohhh I see what you did there” moment.
Example: Early in the speech:
“When Mike bought his first house, he proudly announced he’d do all the renovations himself. Within 24 hours, he’d stapled his shoe to the floor.”
Then, at the end:
“To Mike and Sarah – may your journey through life be full of adventure… just try not to staple yourselves to the floor before it begins.”
Simple, effective, and makes you look like a seasoned comic (even if you wrote it between gulps of flat prosecco).
Check out our best man speech examples. It will give you an idea of how professional comedy writers craft humorous lines.
Of course, if all this advice has done nothing but convince you, you need help – then jump straight to all the different ways the Speechy team can help you, including SpeechyAI; a genius tool we’ve built that’s guaranteed to help you develop unique and hilarious lines. Honestly, it’s bloody good.
The majority of best men resort to the classic ‘reasons the groom is an idiot’ as their narrative hook but dude, make some effort.
Rather than just a collection of anecdotes and obvious punchlines, build a narrative, a proper story, and make sure your speech is crafted rather than just a cut and paste job.
The theme doesn’t need to be complicated, it might just be a retelling of your bro-mance and its tragic end when the bride came on the scene. If the groom’s now a vaguely respectable teacher, reveal the alarming things he’s taught you over the years (snorting Sambuca etc). If he’s a wannabe musician, chronicle his life through musical eras. Or use Yoda quotes to give him marriage advice if he’s a hardcore Star Wars fan.
Finding the right theme obviously depends on the personality of the groom but crack it, and you’re half way there.
‘Even with the funny stories, it has to have a point. Don’t tell me about the drunken trip on holiday or whatever; tell me something that has a meaning to it, something that ties into the theme of the speech. Even the humour has to feel connected and revealing.’Eduardo Braniff, Men’s Vows
Even the funniest draft can fall flat if it’s too long, too messy, or too full of in-jokes only your uni housemates would get. This is where editing becomes your best mate.
We always tell our clients: write it all out first – then cut it in half. Seriously. Good editing tightens your jokes, sharpens your message, and ensures your speech keeps moving.
Here’s what to do:
Kill your darlings – Cut any joke that doesn’t get a laugh from your test audience.
Read it aloud – You’ll catch awkward phrasing and pacing problems.
Time yourself – 8–10 minutes is your sweet spot.
Ask for feedback – A trusted mate can tell you what lands and what lags.
“The difference between a decent speech and a brilliant one? Ruthless editing.” – The Speechy Team
It’s rare, but weddings sometimes produce overenthusiastic guests.
Stay calm. Smile. Use humour to win.
Comebacks to keep in your back pocket:
“And that’s why the free bar ends after one drink…”
“Thanks for the input. We now return to the scheduled entertainment.”
“There’s a village somewhere wondering where their idiot’s gone.”
Don’t aim to destroy – just steer the spotlight back to you.
Speech Do's
Check with the groom
Anything he wants you to do in the speech? Anything he’d like you not to mention?!?
Practice and film it on your phone
Watch it back, promise yourself you’ll do something about your gut and spot where your speech can be improved.
Have back-up notes on the day
Give a spare copy to a trusted mate in advance (or email it to your phone).
Do not rush
You might feel tempted to rush through it – but instead, imagine you’re a primary school teacher telling a story to a bunch of five year-olds. Get expressive, use your body and lose your inhibitions.
Smile
Remember everyone wants you to do well so make sure you smile. It’s scientifically proven to be infectious.
In the past, the best man used to thank the newlyweds on behalf of the wedding party but no need these days.
Don't ignore the feedback of friends
It’s always worth testing your speech out on a mate, but this also means you have to listen to them. If they don’t get a joke, don’t waste your time explaining it as you won’t be able to do that on the day.
Don't talk over laughter
You’ve worked hard for those laughs – don’t rush them. Always wait until the guests have settled down before continuing with your speech.
Don't resort to 'in jokes'
Remember there are grannies out there. And a lot of people who weren’t on the stag and won’t find the story about Tika the waitress and her hairy chicken quite so funny.
Don't mention the ex
Even if you have a wealth of material, sorry, the rule still applies. Don’t mention exes.
Best Man Speech Advice - let us help you!
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