Jeff Bezos wedding speech image

Bezos Wedding Speech (Well, As Imagined By SpeechyAI)

Bezos Wedding Speech (Well, As Imagined By SpeechyAI)

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Bezos Wedding Speech Ice-Breaker 

“Friends, family, and the small, handpicked gathering of 600 A-listers, billionaires, and the full Kardashian mafia…

Welcome to this intimate affair.
When we said ‘no press’, we meant it – except for the Vanity Fair cover shoot and, of course, the Amazon Prime docu-series: Bezos: Love, Lift-Off & Logistics (now streaming in 4K with Dolby Atmos).

Now, some of you might be wondering:
‘Why is Jeff giving a speech at his own wedding?’
To that I say – when you’ve spent your life automating warehouses, sometimes you want to try automating feelings too.

When Lauren said she wanted a small wedding, I assumed that meant no rockets.
Turns out it just meant keeping the guest list under 500 and letting Gwyneth officiate using a healing crystal microphone.

Bezos Wedding Speech Ice-breaker

And I know what you’re all thinking:
‘Wow, Jeff looks… shiny.’
And yes. Yes, I do.
That’s not sweat. That’s just the natural gleam of a bald man who’s stopped being a nerd and started being a Tech Bro.

Before Lauren, I was a bookworm with a comb-over.
Now? I’m 70% bicep, 30% Patagonia vest.
She upgraded me like I was a second-hand Kindle.

And no, this isn’t the same old Bezos.
This is Blue Origin 2.0 – now with added self-confidence and pecs that could bench press a Tesla.

Speaking of which – Elon couldn’t be here tonight.
He sent a bottle of rocket fuel and a note that just said ‘Mid’.
Which is rich coming from a man who named his child after a Captcha.

But we do have someone representing the Trump family – Ivanka is here!
Thanks for coming, and for not using the phrase ‘election integrity’ during the speeches.
And tell your dad I still haven’t received the invoice for that Space Force™ trademark. But no rush – I paid him back… in NFTs.

People still ask me about my political affiliations.
Look – I’ve donated across the spectrum.
One minute I’m having a polite dinner with Barack, next minute I’m being force-fed steak well-done by Donald while he sells me a MAGA-branded telescope.

Call me bipartisan. Or just a man who likes meat and metrics.

But today isn’t about politics. Or capitalism. Or pretending this $10 million floral arrangement is low-key.
Today is about love.

Bezos Tribute to the Bride

And as I look at my bride – who reminds me every day that you can be more than the richest man alive – I realise money may not buy happiness…
…but it does buy drone-powered confetti.

Now, when I proposed to Lauren, people said,
‘Jeff… you’ve conquered Earth, flirted with space, and now you’ve found love.’
And I said, ‘Yes. And I did all three while building a company that lets you buy adult diapers, a kayak, and a live ladybird – all in one basket.’

They also said, ‘Aren’t you worried she’s after your money?’
And I said, ‘Of course not. She’s seen the inside of an Amazon warehouse. She knows it’s mostly cardboard and despair.’

But seriously… Lauren, you’ve changed my world.
Before you, I had algorithms. Now I have feelings.
Before you, I launched rockets. Now I launch… poorly timed dance moves at weddings.

You’ve made me the man I never knew Alexa wanted me to be.

Bezos Wedding Toast

So let’s raise a glass.
To Lauren.
To love.
And to the only kind of Prime I care about these days – Prime real estate in her heart.

(And yes, I trademarked that line. Don’t even think about using it, Zuck.)

Thank you. You’ve all been delivered with love – and optional next-day returns.”

Get Help Writing a Wedding Speech Worthy of Bezos (or at Least Batman)

If you’re after an A-list wedding speech—whether you’re a billionaire, bookworm, or somewhere in between—the Speechy team is here to help.

Loads of free advice in our Blog.

Our expert writers have crafted speeches for celebs, CEOs, and real humans with actual emotions.

Or, if you’re a tech nerd who enjoyed what AI did with Jeff’s shiny monologue, try our SpeechyAI wedding speech generator. It’s smart, witty, and delivers speeches faster than Bezos Prime.

 

The Speechwriting Experts

The Speechy team are TV-trained scriptwriters/comedians by trade & we’ve helped 1,000s of speakers around the world deliver their dream speech.

Our advice has been quoted everywhere from The New York Times to Grazia and from Forbes to The Observer. Our founder has also featured on the BBC Sounds’ Best Men podcast with Jason Manford and written ‘The Modern Couple’s Guide to Wedding Speeches’, published by Little, Brown.

Heidi and the Speechy Team

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