Bezos Wedding Speech Ice-Breaker
“Friends, family, and the small, handpicked gathering of 600 A-listers, billionaires, and the full Kardashian mafia…
Welcome to this intimate affair.
When we said ‘no press’, we meant it – except for the Vanity Fair cover shoot and, of course, the Amazon Prime docu-series: Bezos: Love, Lift-Off & Logistics (now streaming in 4K with Dolby Atmos).
Now, some of you might be wondering:
‘Why is Jeff giving a speech at his own wedding?’
To that I say – when you’ve spent your life automating warehouses, sometimes you want to try automating feelings too.
When Lauren said she wanted a small wedding, I assumed that meant no rockets.
Turns out it just meant keeping the guest list under 500 and letting Gwyneth officiate using a healing crystal microphone.
Bezos Wedding Speech Ice-breaker
And I know what you’re all thinking:
‘Wow, Jeff looks… shiny.’
And yes. Yes, I do.
That’s not sweat. That’s just the natural gleam of a bald man who’s stopped being a nerd and started being a Tech Bro.
Before Lauren, I was a bookworm with a comb-over.
Now? I’m 70% bicep, 30% Patagonia vest.
She upgraded me like I was a second-hand Kindle.
And no, this isn’t the same old Bezos.
This is Blue Origin 2.0 – now with added self-confidence and pecs that could bench press a Tesla.
Speaking of which – Elon couldn’t be here tonight.
He sent a bottle of rocket fuel and a note that just said ‘Mid’.
Which is rich coming from a man who named his child after a Captcha.
But we do have someone representing the Trump family – Ivanka is here!
Thanks for coming, and for not using the phrase ‘election integrity’ during the speeches.
And tell your dad I still haven’t received the invoice for that Space Force™ trademark. But no rush – I paid him back… in NFTs.
People still ask me about my political affiliations.
Look – I’ve donated across the spectrum.
One minute I’m having a polite dinner with Barack, next minute I’m being force-fed steak well-done by Donald while he sells me a MAGA-branded telescope.
Call me bipartisan. Or just a man who likes meat and metrics.
But today isn’t about politics. Or capitalism. Or pretending this $10 million floral arrangement is low-key.
Today is about love.
Bezos Tribute to the Bride
And as I look at my bride – who reminds me every day that you can be more than the richest man alive – I realise money may not buy happiness…
…but it does buy drone-powered confetti.
Now, when I proposed to Lauren, people said,
‘Jeff… you’ve conquered Earth, flirted with space, and now you’ve found love.’
And I said, ‘Yes. And I did all three while building a company that lets you buy adult diapers, a kayak, and a live ladybird – all in one basket.’
They also said, ‘Aren’t you worried she’s after your money?’
And I said, ‘Of course not. She’s seen the inside of an Amazon warehouse. She knows it’s mostly cardboard and despair.’
But seriously… Lauren, you’ve changed my world.
Before you, I had algorithms. Now I have feelings.
Before you, I launched rockets. Now I launch… poorly timed dance moves at weddings.
You’ve made me the man I never knew Alexa wanted me to be.
Bezos Wedding Toast
So let’s raise a glass.
To Lauren.
To love.
And to the only kind of Prime I care about these days – Prime real estate in her heart.
(And yes, I trademarked that line. Don’t even think about using it, Zuck.)
Thank you. You’ve all been delivered with love – and optional next-day returns.”
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