Retirement Speech

Congratulations if you’re the one retiring. Time to turn off that 6am alarm and finally bin those stained Tupperware boxes. But before you escape the working world for good, there’s one final thing to tick off your to-do list – the speech.

And if you’re delivering a retirement tribute to a colleague? Lucky you. You’ve got the mic, the memories, and a room full of people waiting to be moved.

“A great retirement speech isn’t about a glittering career – it’s about connection, gratitude, and knowing how to tell a bloody good story.” – Speechy’s Founder, Heidi Ellert-McDermott, author of The Modern Couple’s Guide to Wedding Speeches

Here’s how to deliver a retirement speech that gets the laughs and brings the sentiment.

The Golden Rules of a Retirement Speech

• Keep it short: 4-8 minutes is the sweet spot
• Start strong: Thank your audience and break the ice with humour
• Celebrate the career: Mention key milestones and funny stories
• Get personal: Acknowledge specific people and real relationships
• Add humour: Be warm, witty and well-observed
• Look ahead: End with heartfelt hopes for the future

“People remember how you made them feel. So make them laugh, make them smile – and avoid PowerPoint at all costs.” – Heidi

Start With Gratitude (and a Gag)

Whether you’re retiring or saluting someone who is, begin by thanking the people in the room. They turned up. That’s worth a nod.

Give a shoutout to whoever organised the event, and anyone who travelled far. If you spot the boss in the corner nursing a Pinot, make a light-hearted reference to the evening ahead:

• “Since I no longer have to worry about HR complaints, tonight could get interesting…”

Or…

• “They say what happens at retirement parties stays at retirement parties. Except the photos, the WhatsApp group, and Claire from Payroll.”

Retirement Speech Opening Line Ideas

• “It’s not every day you get to toast someone whose browser history is mostly holiday sites and retirement countdowns.”
• “When I first joined, they said Geoff was a legend. They didn’t mention it was mostly due to his filing system and his fear of Google Docs.”
• “Some people count down to retirement in months. I’m fairly sure this one started the moment they learned how to mute a Zoom call.”
• “It’s strange to see them leave. Mostly because no one’s quite sure how the printer works without them.”
• “We knew this day would come – the day Alan finally gets paid to do nothing… officially.” – Only for people who can take the joke! Use with caution 😉 

Milestones, Memories & Mayhem

Now’s your chance to recap a career. Highlight achievements and memories – but keep it human.

• Reference the big wins, the dramatic projects, or the chaotic rebrands
• Talk about what’s changed – “When I started here, people still used fax machines and thought gluten was a made-up word.”
• Drop in the hilarious mishaps – like how they never got the hang of Teams or how they once ‘replied all’ with their annual leave dates and their holiday budget spreadsheet

“Every workplace has folklore – tell the tales, name the heroes, and don’t forget the time the intern locked themselves in the loo before a big client meeting.” – Heidi

Thank the Real MVPs

Whether it’s the colleagues who became friends or the boss who always had your back – give them a nod.

Shout out to:

• The carpool companion who once made you late thanks to an urgent McMuffin stop
• The IT guy who fixed your laptop more times than you made coffee
• The teammate who shared biscuits, breakdowns, and one infamous karaoke duet

This section adds warmth and shows you appreciate the people, not just the job.

Add Humour That Hits Home

Avoid internet gags. Instead, pull from real life. What made this person unique?

• Did they have a weird lunch routine? (Tuna, pineapple, and judgment?)
• Were they too enthusiastic about spreadsheets?
• Did they bring in leftovers and leave them in the fridge until they gained sentience?

“Good humour is never cruel – just true enough to be familiar, and funny enough to forgive.” – Heidi

Whilst plagiarism isn’t allowed, if you’re really stuck, you could consider quoting clever, witty folk instead.

Look Ahead – With Love & Lols

Don’t end on a whimper. Look to the future and make it specific.

• If you’re the one retiring, gloat about lie-ins, holidays and NOT replying to 200 emails a day.
• If you’re talking about a colleague, make cheerful assumptions about what they’ll do next.

“Let’s be honest – Alan hasn’t done a full day’s work since 2016, so retirement should be a seamless transition.”

Or…

“We all know Sue will finally write that novel, spend more time in her garden, and probably start a very niche pottery-based Instagram account.”

Wrap it up with genuine wishes – for good health, new adventures, and fewer broken printers.

Retirement Final Words & Toast

A good sign-off is clear and heartfelt.

Try…

*”To long lie-ins, new adventures, and never using the word ‘urgent’ again. To retirement!”

Or…

*”You’ve worked hard, made friends, and left your mark – now go do absolutely nothing for a while. You’ve earned it.”

Raise your glass. Smile. Mic drop.

“Retirement speeches aren’t about careers. They’re about characters. Celebrate the people, not the CV.” – Heidi