BoJo’s Groom Speech (as imagined by Speechy)
*** THIS SPEECH WAS WRITTEN PRIOR TO THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC ***
‘Royals, noblemen, honourable members of parliament, dishonourable members of parliament – I’m looking at you, Moggzy – thank you for attending the most important day of my life. Well, second most important day of my life, if you include that time I managed to wangle a Prime-Ministerial tour around the BabeStation studios.
Let me first start by saying how beautiful the bridesmaids look. So stunning in fact, that if they visit me after, I’ll happily give them a Government grant in exchange for a few IT lessons if you know what I mean.
Now, I know what you’re all thinking; How did a stunner like Carrie end up with a man who looks like a Dulux dog rogered a Toby Jug. But the answer is clear: Absolutely no idea. It’s as mysterious a question to me as ‘Why do we dream?’ ‘What causes hick-ups?’ and ‘How have British voters managed to forget literally everything I’ve ever said?’.
It is, of course, traditional for the bride on her wedding day to have ‘something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue’. It’s normally quite an undertaking, but with me it was a cinch. Old is me, new is that searing feeling of regret she’s got, borrowed is her wedding ring – no point getting her a new one if she’ll be throwing it out of a window after a row about some risqué texts on my phone – and for something blue we’ve got a plethora of options from the blood in my veins, to my union jack pants, to the content of my internet search history.
Weddings are special days where we get to celebrate the holy matrimony of two people, together with friends, family, loved ones and children – not my children though. I don’t have any children. Who said I’ve got children? I haven’t got children. Shut up. Bahh, erm, right, phwar, ok. What was I saying? Look over there, a platypus with the face of William Hague!
Carrie is of course now pregnant. And as the doting father, I have been attending antenatal classes, although we did have an issue last week when they asked me if I knew what to do if I got a call saying “Carrie’s in Labour”, apparently the right answer isn’t to begin ranting “Corbyn that snake! I can’t believe Carrie’s switched sides!”… I haven’t been asked back.
It is customary at weddings to often share a reading or a poem to mark the occasion. As such, here is a poem that I’ve found great solace in in dark times… (clears throat)
There once was a big bloke from Philly,
Who tied a large knot in his… Actually on second thoughts, maybe it’s not wedding appropriate.
Standing in front of Carrie today and making a solemn vow to love and respect her, and to remain faithful forever more was an incredible experience. Because normally when I tell porkies, I paint them in whopping great letters on the side of a bus, so it was a nice change.
With Carrie and I, it was love at first sight. The very second I saw her standing at the bar, I was hit by Cupid’s arrow harder than I hit that 10-year-old Japanese boy whilst playing rugby. And after a few simple dates together, I knew I was ready to look her in the eyes and say those three magic words… “Get Brexit Done”. And since that day, our relationship has gone from strength to strength. Carrie is an incredibly strong woman, and there will be many of you here today that’ll be in no doubt who wears the trousers in our relationship… Dominic Cummings.
And that brings me to the conclusion of my groom’s speech. As we all dance off into the night – not you, Theresa – I hope that from this speech you take away two things. One, how utterly overjoyed I am to be marrying the wonderful Carrie and two, how this outrageous speech has been conveniently timed with the release of the report into Russian interference. Don’t look at it!
So please raise a glass to my wonderful wife Carrie, the light of my life, and me, a man who looks like Worzel Gummidge just performed a hostile takeover of the Rotary Club.
Happy wedding day to us, Huzzah!’ © Speechy