‘Ladies, gentlemen and whatever species Michael Gove is, thank you for being here on the most important day of my life. Well, second most important, if you count that time I managed to wangle a Prime-Ministerial tour of the BabeStation studios.
Of course, Covid restrictions meant we could only have 30 guests, which sadly meant only half of my children could be here today. And that’s just the ones I acknowledge.
But I know what you’re all thinking: How did a stunner like Carrie end up with a man who looks like the Dulux dog rogered a Toby Jug? But the answer is clear: Not a scooby, old boy. It’s as mysterious a question to me as ‘Why do we dream?’, ‘What causes hiccups?’ and ‘How on Earth did me and Rishi get away with Eat Out To Help Out?’.
Yes, there were some who questioned my being given a blessing for a Catholic wedding, considering that I’m divorced. But the thing is, my previous marriages weren’t Catholic, so I’ve found a loophole. The first was Church of England, the second was secular, and the third was to a Vegas stripper at 4am with a celebrant who looked like Fat Elvis.
I mean, erm, no, I’ve only had two weddings. Forget what I just said.
It is traditional for the bride on her wedding day to have ‘something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue’. It’s usually quite an undertaking, but with me it was a cinch. Old is me, new is that searing feeling of regret she’s got, borrowed is her wedding dress – no point buying a new one if she’ll be setting fire to it after a row about some risque texts on my phone – and for something blue we’ve got a plethora of options from the blood in my veins, to the useful little pill in my wallet, to the contents of my internet search history.
Many people have questioned the age gap between myself and Carrie, but age is nothing but a number. In my case, a really big number.
Yes, it’s true, I’m old enough to be her father, but… Hold on a second, can someone just double-check that I’m not? The late 80s was a wild time for old Bozza, after all.
Moving on! It is customary at weddings to share a reading or a passage of prose to mark the occasion. As such, here’s a poem in which I’ve found great solace in dark times… (clears throat)
There once was a big bloke from Philly,
Who tied a large knot in his…
Actually on second thoughts, maybe it’s not wedding appropriate.
In addition to the speeches, we asked my best man Matt Hancock to contract some entertainers, but he appears to have just given those contracts to his utterly talentless school mates. Why break the habit of a lifetime, eh?
So please welcome, with the first song of the night, ‘Steve Blenkinsop from Maths class’.
Standing in front of Carrie today and making a solemn vow to love her, respect her, and remain faithful forever more was an incredible experience. Because normally when I tell porkies, I paint them in whopping great letters on the side of a bus, so it was a nice change.
With Carrie and I, it was love at first sight. The very second I saw her standing at the bar, I was hit by Cupid’s arrow harder than I hit that 10-year-old Japanese boy whilst playing rugby. And after a few simple dates together, I knew I was ready to look her in the eyes and say those three magic words… “My wife’s away”.
Finally, I want to thank the amazing staff here at Westminster Cathedral, and once again offer my sincere apologies to the nice barman who Priti Patel had deported for ‘taking too long with her peach bellini’.
So that brings me to the conclusion of my groom’s speech. As we all dance off into the night – not you, Theresa – I hope that from this speech you take away two things. One, how utterly overjoyed I am to be marrying the wonderful Carrie and two, how this outrageous speech has been conveniently timed to coincide with Dominic Cummings telling everyone I truly chuffed up the whole Covid situ.
So please raise a glass to my wonderful wife Carrie, the light of my life, and me, a man who looks like Worzel Gummidge just performed a hostile takeover of the Rotary Club.
Speechy are a team of TV scriptwriters by trade who now help people around the world write cracking wedding speeches. We work with grooms, dads, mums, brides; whoever wants to grab the wedding mic.
The team includes wordsmiths who write for Dead Ringers, Have I Got News For You & Horrible Histories, as well as a range of celebrities and comedians.
Speechy’s Ed & Tom can take credit for this speech but Heidi (Speechy’s TopDog) estimates she’s ‘cheated’ with hundreds of grooms in the run up to their weddings by writing their speeches. She is yet to be approached by Boris.